On Thursday evening I was released from the hospital after a 4 day stint.
When one lives alone, the mind concocts various scenarios about that day in the distant future when you might be summoned to the hospital. One wonders what they will do, attract the neighbor’s attention with an ambulance? Call an Uber? Drive oneself? Fortunately for me, an ambulance wasn’t required. I hadn’t fallen and I was still upright, but I was losing blood from some mystery source deep within the cosmos of my body.
Oh my body, why art thou bleeding?
Hemoglobin, why art thou dropping?
silence
All through the weekend I was experiencing extreme fatigue and having difficulty moving about without my heart racing. Each thing felt like a climb up a steep mountain. Breathless, heart-pounding. Getting up to visit the bathroom at night felt like I was competing in an iron-woman competition. So finally on Monday I notified the school that Ms. Moss was unable to report for duty and I headed off to see the nurse practitioner. By afternoon she was advising me to check myself into the hospital via the emergency room. A blood transfusion was imminent.
Wait. What? No direct admit to the hospital? Nope. Frustrating, but without recourse I told myself not to panic. Keep calm, pack the bag, get the journal (!) don’t rush, no tears, no phone calls. Just do it. I packed a bag, put out extra food for the cat posse, climbed into my chariot and off I went.
I had the presence of mind to puzzle out the location of the emergency room, find parking, park, and carry my market bag packed with provisions and good pillow through the double doors. I had arrived. For the next 5 hours I was up and down with my collection carrying it from location to location for various tests. Slow and steady wins the race. Finally a room came up in emergency. Oh sweet relief! A place in the triage unit out of the way to hang my hat for a bit. By midnight, a room was readied for me upstairs.
Camile and Josie welcomed me into my room. They buzzed with efficiency. They sent out their lines and reeled me in, securing my veins to the IV machine.
Clamps were clamped, tubes were flushed, pumps were started, piggybacks were set up, plugs were plugged in, beeping commenced.
Is the IV pump a sentient being? It seemed so, staying with me through the night. Sighing, dripping, breathing, beeping. I started to think it was a great lumbering beast sent from a storybook world. In my sleepy dream state it was a kind of elephant that sat beside me. The sounds it made were comforting, as was the bed I lay upon. A sea manatee that swam beneath me settling and rising. Moving and shifting shape.
This is why, boys and girls, we read stories. so that your imaginations grow rich and strong. In your awesome and turbulent futures, which you can’t begin to imagine now, your inner world will open and the stories you read as a child will fill your hospital room. The ease with which you will manufacture comfort will astonish you.
It happened to me. Just like that.
By the next morning, my hemoglobin had dropped precipitously low. I had entered transfusion territory.
By the time I was discharged Thursday evening I had undergone a double blood transfusion, endoscopy, colonoscopy, and complete change in heart about hospitals.
I came home, threw out all the NSAIDS in the house. Ordered some curcumin, glucosamine, and chondroitin supplements, cuddled with the cat pose, made nectar for the orioles and hummers, sat on the porch, wrote thank-you cards to the wonderful nurses of Huntington Hospital.
I won’t soon forget the funny, kind orderlies who ferried me around the hospital, the nurses aides, my awesome attending physician, the endoscopy team who were like a cast of SNL, and most especially – my nurses. Not everyone was a peach, but overall I felt lucky to have landed in such a warm safe cocoon of care. And those nurses…no worries at all with them around.
Now I am here. Several days out. Sitting in front of the window on a drizzly LA day. I checked the tides this morning then left the house early. Off to my favorite tide pools and misty shore just inside Santa Barbara county line. What medicine! The photos in this post were taken today on my beach walk. Last Sunday I was barely able to walk across Moss Cottage without my heart racing, but here I am. Restored. Getting stronger by the day. The cause of my GI bleeding still unknown, but as with most things, not everything is knowable. I’ll swallow a capsule sometime this week so a little camera can circle the vast galaxies of my body and take zillions of pictures that will then be strung together into a video for someone somewhere to look at and decide something.
I’m okay with the unknowable. Information will only get one so far in life.
As for me I will be here. Sitting on the porch, reading stories, watching birds, expanding my imagination, walking, getting more blood drawn, swallowing tiny cameras and getting back to work in a few days.
To all of you who will never read this I’m sending a psychic message of love.
Pushing the button on my heart bubble machine and sending clouds of gratitude. To those who checked on me daily from afar while I was in the hospital, sent me Marco Polo video chats, offered to bring me my favorite sandwich, watched the cat posse, sent that enormous thing of flowers, and so much more. You are good eggs. Thanks for showing up. Thanks for being there when I was up a creek without a paddle. Thanks for teaching me how to be a better human. I was taking notes the whole time.
Oh my goodness, Mary Ann! didn’t know you were sick but am glad to hear that you are feeling better. What a way to end the school year! I hope that you have a relaxing summer. Take care and I’m sending a hug your way.
I will join the chorus MAM. Hoping you are okay.
Mam are you okay? I sent you a message on FB and you have no new posts up, not over here either. Very worried about you my creative muse, you’re probably just off on some grand adventure, but please let us know you’re okay? Okay?
Smoke signal please. Wondering about you.😕
I’m concerned also!
Sending all good vibes and healing energy.
I concur! MAM, hoping you are ok.
I’ve been offline doing my little things for a while, and saw your post! Oh dear, I hope you are getting better, and am SO sorry to read of your travails! Wishing you a good and very positive recovery at your own pace as you will. I’m headed back to the UK at the end of the week, so I’ll send you a lovely message with flowers and things from my quarantine locale then. With mucho hugs – xx
Oh my goodness Mary Ann!!! I have been offline for a while now with my own trials and tribulations – minor in comparison to any health issues. We had a freeze, a broken pipe and a flood in my house… finally all repaired. But this that you’ve just gone through sounds like no fun at all.
I am glad you are on the mend. And being a nurse I am very glad to hear that my fellow nurse treated you well…
I also want to say that I understand exactly what you expressed in your previous post about working remotely and then being thrust back into in-person work. Kindof feels like reporting to prison. You and I are on similar quests to get to retirement and have a full life doing whatever it is that we now see fit to do rather than following the whims and directions of others!
Stay well, my friend! Without your health, retirement will not be as we expect at all. So above all, make sure you are taking good care of yourself!
I am so glad I waited until today to read this post. I have been having a super stressful roller coaster of a day regarding my own health issues. Marveling at your composure and feeling heartened to press forward. Thank you. Glad you are ok.
Holy cow, MA! Or as the Venetians say (I hope I get this right) duri i bianchi which is roughly translated to “hang on to the benches” or endure. I do not know if it will reassure but my mil had this issue and they never found anything. She lived into her 90s!
Holy shit! That’s some scary stuff! I’m so glad you’re at home, feeling better and making trips to the sea. Be well!! XOXO
Wishing you continuing good equilibrium-making, Harmony + Wellness. You’re a Tigress – we can bounce, sometimes. x x x
Dear Mary Ann, so glad you are home and recuperating! Sending hugs and get well wishes. 🤗
C’mon Mary Ann, we need to get to that retirement age at the same time! Glad you are on the mend 🙂
I am so sorry you were done & out for a wee bit. Glad you are home and resting. Sending a big hug.
Lisa
That is very scary. I hope by now you are feeling better and that your doctors are able to figure out what is/was wrong.
Golly, gosh girl! Glad to hear that you are recuperating and improving. Please take good care of your self and let us know of any other developments. Sending you love and continuing good stories.💕
Whew! that was an ordeal. Glad you are on the mend (and that you had some nice nurses caring for you).
Mary Ann. You are one of special people that charm and enlighten and encourage us to dream. We couldn’t bear to lose you. So glad you are feeling better.
Damn. That was something, huh? Glad you’re feeling stronger. And really glad you had good people tending you and caring about you.
Take Care
Hello Mary Ann,
Yikes, what an ordeal. Sure glad you were comforted by all those around you in and out of the hospital. What an imagination you have, such descriptive writing and great photos. Always finding the beauty in what’s around you. You’re a good egg.
All my love cells circle you and your hemoglobin in a torrent of care, I felt you sinking deep into clouds of universal trust, you and your beautiful stories. All my best. xox
Oh Mam! I’m so sorry, I didn’t know. When I saw your post I had to rush over. Hope all turns out okay, you have to stick around and inspire us all! And your photos, as always, are fabulous!
Eeek! Not the way to take time out! So glad you are mending.
thank you so much for sharing this beautiful post — and I am so glad you are ok.
Mary Ann, Life can be so scary sometimes and it comes at us out of nowhere! My daughter is going through some harrowing health issues here too. So now I’ve decided every day to: Wake up, kick ass, repeat. Thank goodness for our journals, books, art, and the things that keep us sane. Wishing you well my friend.
What a scary experience, so glad you are recovering and headed to your favorite place! Wishing you well!
So very glad that you are on the mend and grateful for your willingness and eloquence in sharing your story.
Hi Mary Ann Moss. I have read and enjoyed your blog for a number of months now. It is definitely high time I told you just how much I have enjoyed being taken along on your wonderful adventures. I was born and raised in California. In Ventura California to be exact. My home for the last 16 years has been Colorado Springs. Beautiful to be sure but my heart belongs to the California coast. All your lovely evocative photos of the beach, sea and estuaries is what first lead me to your blog through a friend. Secondly I have loved flowers and gardens for as long as I’ve lived by the sea. I love cats, books and I’m an artist. So some serious resonance happening n’est pas?
I too am so thankful you not only have access to good health care but to wonderful drs. and caregivers. A true blessing in time of need. It also brings a smile to know you have a network of those who care for you and love you. I will be looking forward to hearing your progress toward health. That’s formal for get yourself better really soon 😉
Thank you for all the pleasure reading your blog has brought me. I hope that pleasure is pressed down and shaken together to be rolled out in quadruplicate and returned to you in the days ahead. A lovely book you mind want to take a look at is Arctic Dreams by Barry Lopez. Be well my dear, Lynn
Hope you’re doing ok now, take time to recover properly and look after yourself xx
When you do it, you do it up right! That’s some scary business. I’m very glad you’re back home in one piece. Living alone myself, it’s a worry for sure, especially when there aren’t people to readily step in. Girl, I am sending a wave of prayers and positive vibes and loving thoughts your way for good outcomes and answers. After all these years, I still wish we were neighbors!
Wow, Mary Ann so happy you are back at home now. Please keep us apprised — we want to know you are well!
Wow, what an ordeal you went through! Glad you’re OK. I admire your attitude and fine writing. If I should ever go through something similar, I’ll remember your words of bravery and comfort.
Raising my mug of Rooibos to continuing good health and early morning beach saunterings yet to come. (Plus, the little camera swallowing triggers the theme song from Man From U.N.C.L.E. in my brain.)
I’m glad you are feeling better ~ what a scary experience! And next time {heaven forbid!}, call the ambulance!
Hugs ~
I am so sorry that you have had to go through such a traumatic time, but am grateful you are on the mend. My prayers are with you for a complete recovery.
So relieved you are home now and mobile. Hoping that you find out what set you back on your heels so completely. Thank you so much for sharing this dispatch, both alarming and gripping. Among other phrases “The ease with which you will manufacture comfort will astonish you”, sticks with me. Take care.
So glad you had access to good care and that you are on the mend! That was a scary ordeal, especially facing it alone. Love how you settled in with the IV… finding the “sighing, dripping, breathing, beeping” a source of comfort through the night. Your posts, even when sharing serious news, are always a source of inspiration. Be well and carry on!
Love and healing thoughts sent your way!
I’m SO happy that you are ok and are following up to find the cause.
Thank goodness for all of the kind care of you, by the hospital staff.
I care about you.
You are a sweet blessing in this world.😊❤️
Wow! And Wow again. Take care of you… Be well…. 💖
What a story……. i’m sending you all the healing and good vibes. Take care of yourself!
Hello Miss Moss,
It’s Barbarella. That was some post. I am happy to hear you are on your way to feeling better. That was some scary stuff for you. And for me to read.
Be well my long lost friend.
Hugs!
Happy to read that you are OK. I want to hear more about the capsule with the camera!!!
Wow! Scary stuff–but sounds like you were well taken care of. Glad you are back home-enjoying the beach and your flowers and the cat possee. I hope that little camera can figure out what went wrong and that whatever it is can be easily fixed up! Take it easy and I know we (your faithful readers) send you healing thoughts and hugs.
I hope you will be alright, Mary Ann! Your description of this event was as wonderful and creative as usual! xoxo
So glad you are feeling better! Thank goodness for our wonderful health care workers!
Keep recovering dear you. The beaches needs you to be walked upon. We need you to be active and creative again.
So happy you brought me (pillow) to the hospital
Much love
Having the pillowcase love from Sweden, as made by you and received by me on your little island near Stromstad many years ago…around my pillow and under my head in the hospital was a true gift. xoxo
How lucky your students are to have such a writer as a teacher. I’m glad you were able to get better so quickly and back to the beach. Hopefully they’ll quickly find what’s wrong and get you back to healthy. Take care of you.
STAY CALM AND CARRY ON!
Be Well & All is Well,
Always a day at a time, silly to think otherwise.
My best wishes,
Pennie
I am so thankful to know you are still with us, dearest Mary Ann. I have tears reading this.
I can imagine your journey round the hospital so well, you joking with the orderlies and other staff, trying to make their day good too. Didn’t you? Or were you too scared?
Keep on keeping well. XXX
humor is my natural co-pilot. sometimes uncontainable at inappropriate moments, but always welcome in the hospital!
So glad you’re feeling better. Here’s hoping your mysterious illness doesn’t return or that they find the source ASAP. Keep strong. Sending good thoughts from across the ocean.
Sending loads of good juju your way.
Holy cow! So relieved to hear you are better!
<3 <3 <3
I’m so sorry you landed in the hospital… no fun but sometimes it’s the right place to be. Payers going out for the caretakers of the world, little angels to my way of thinking. Wishing you a full and complete recovery from whatever little bug got you.
What a saga…. the water medicine at the end is definitely my favorite part of the story… xox
What!!! You sound so calm. Seems really scary to me. Glad you were in good hands and are home safe. Thinking of you dear girl. ….don’t do that again…love Syd Vicious
So scary! I had my vaccination on April 28. I had a few days of real exhaustion and have slowly built back up to almost normal. Johnson and Johnson. I was worried the whole time.
I’m so glad you’re doing well and back to almost full speed. Take good care and eat really healthy!! Keep us posted too. I love your photos!
Well, landsakes Mary Ann! That is not the kind of adventure you want to have. I hope you find out soon what is causing your malady, without too much discomfort. And may the news be only good news! You are loved!
Wow. Wow. Wow. What a scary adventure you have experienced this week. Thank you for sharing it with such wonderful photos and grateful words. Sending you a zillion well wishes for a complete recovery from Michigan. CO
Glad you are on the mend. What an adventure. I’m glad you had the wherewithal to take yourself off to the ARNP and boo on not being directly admitted.
i too had a transfusion but not a double one!! i would take aspirin nightly to help sleep little knowing that they were causing internal bleeding… those NSAIDs are bad dudes! only tylenol for me now and only when absolutely necessary… you get well and i always pray that you will come up with a new workshop…
So glad you are strong and were able to get yourself to the hospital. Speedy recovery and tons of well wishes to you.
Thank you for telling how you managed your health experience. Many of us with anxiety need to take lessons from you! I do hope you are feeling good and enjoying life.
I think your photos of seaweed, reeds, plant life on the beach go well with your personal story of this past week. Wishing you the best as you recover and live with some mystery too.
I have been a follower of yours for years, and enjoy your musings so much. I’m sorry to hear you were so ill and hope everything goes well and you’re on the mend. But please do as my doctor advised me to do as a single woman in the case of an emergency. Call an ambulance, don’t drive yourself there! I know, it feels embarrassing, but do it.You’re so used to being strong and self sufficient but in this case you don’t want to make matters worse by driving yourself,and risking further consequences. You also get seen faster if you arrive by ambulance.Take care you have lots of people in your corner who care about you🦋😘💕🌸🌺.
You are amazing! The photos are amazing! You ability to tell a story is amazing! Am so glad you are ok. Prayers headed your way!!!
Wishing you a speedy recovery and find the cause of your body’s distress. Hope it has a quick remedy. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Oh MAM, what an experience. So glad to read that you are home with the cat posse and on the mend. Big hugs to you.
sending the most well-wishes possible! to be truly cared for is such a comfort, and it sounds like you were. may it continue, and eventually not be needed as you’ll be safe and sound.
I’m sending you great big hugs and lots of heart bubbles right back. I hope that camera tastes like marshmallows. ♥️
Oh my! I’m so glad you’re getting back to being you. I’ve swallowed a camera. It’s no big deal but it’s kept wishing I could see inside me, too. Nothing came of it… such a relief. Good vibes coming your way from Bordeaux Lane.
I am so glad to read you are feeling better. Middle age is full of surprises. I had no idea there are tiny cameras you can swallow, sounds very futuristic.
Oh, my. I am so glad that you are back. Your writing is as beautiful as your journals. Thank you for sharing your experience. Thank you for finding another way to teach us!
Healthy, healing wishes coming your way….as a fellow from 5th grade teacher, the end of the year is almost here- but with such a sudden health event- rest is needed for you. Best wishes for a speedy, restorative recovery.
I am in awe of how poetic you can be despite being severely anemic. And as a nurse practitioner I know you had to be in pretty tough shape, hemodynamically speaking, to require a double transfusion. Oy vey! This will not do!! Please feel better dear friend.
Hello MaryAnn,
I hope you are continuing to improve daily. Best of luck with your tests. Enjoy resting with the cat posse and your journal. Xxx
Oh gosh! I’m glad you are out and I hope back to good health!
You, MAM, are -amazing-! You are brave and calm, and you are ok that there are “unknowables!” You are a rare bird, a valiant woman, and an amazing teacher of children and adults in the subject of life, and many others. I am not ok with unknowable… just one more reason to listen & read you, and not miss a tiny piece of the life lessons you so confidently and calmly parse out to us, the caring, the astounded women and run-on sentence writers in your life. Thank you, Mary Ann, for being you, and doing what you do. I’m rapt with attention (and anxiety). Please, Dear MAM, keep us posted! I’m thinking of you, and sending prayers up.
It’s so good to hear that you’re on the mend and that you’ve been well cared for. Best wishes that you’ll be better than ever before long!
Oh my, So sorry to hear about your ordeal. I’m glad that you are now on the road to better health. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that the doctors can find the cause of your issues, so that it can accurately be addressed. 😍
Love you lots, Debbie J
So sorry to hear of your medical adventure. I hope the medical folks can get all the signs and symptoms figured out. It is really something to be grateful for, the skilled practitioners, that can decipher all the symptoms and come up with a solution. I was limping for 6 weeks and finally went to the doctor to find out I have a pinched nerve, the S-1. MRI is next to determine where to do a steroid shot. But in the meantime back exercises are doing wonders for some movement. May you continue to improve!
You are intrepid, indeed! So positive under very stressful circumstances. My mom had the little camera and it’s very informative. May you find out that what has happened is benign and you may continue on your merry, cheerful, creative way.
I’m so happy to hear that you’re home spinning your stories and living your most wonderful life. Sending good thoughts for successful camera navigation and a not to worry result. ❤️
Oh Mary Ann! I’m so glad you are feeling better.! You are a beautiful story teller even when retelling a scary experience!!❤️
Oh my goodness, I am so glad you are home resting and that you let us know what was going on. You are and have always been an inspiration.
Oh poor you! Very sorry to hear this and happy you are a roll with it kinda girl! Santa Babs has no doubt helped you heal. Fingers crossed.
Oh, Mary Ann! May you be healthy and peaceful and surrounded by support. I am so sorry and glad you got good care. And PS I think about you all the time, the books I made in your ROD class back in the day are Advent calendar books for my nephews and niece, and a tradition for me and them. The books are well worn and have held up.
So glad you are feeling better/stronger. Please keep well.
Oh, Mary Ann! What a week you’ve had! As I read your story in between the spectacular photos, I felt such a sense of concern in between the beauty of the sea! I’m glad that you made it home safely and send the best possible wishes for your recovery! Hugs!
Best wishes on your road to recovery. I, too, am alone and think, now that I’ve hit the 60s, what will I do? How will I do it?
What is the best route…? Thank you for sharing. So that’s why I read all those books as a child and still do read…….😉
Oh my! What a story. You are very intrepid . I’m so happy to hear you are doing ok. Big hug.